Break The Cycle
by Jade Unicorn
Summary: Series, what nobody bothers to notice can be dangerous: contains self-mutilation and gay themes, so you are advised about reading this.
1. Reality Bytes

Author:Jade Unicorn  
Email:tenryuexcite.com  
Title:Reality Bytes (part of the "Break the Cycle" series)  
Rating:PG13 (mature people only please, this is some heavy stuff.)  
Disclaimer:The characters in here do not belong to me in any way possible. Cause if they did, well I'd be dating Tawny right now…. But they don't. They belong to Disney (lucky bastard) 

READ THE NOTE!!!! 

Note:This is going to continue some heavy stuff for a Disney based show. It will have gay themes, suicide, depression, self mutilation and whatever else I throw in there to screw the characters up even more. Please don't take this wrong in any way; this is just my twisted mind at work. Enjoy…

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[Journal Entry: May 31, 2004]

Being a role model sucks. Who wants to be responsible for other kids think and do? Sure as hell not me. I'm tired of being so perfect. Tired of everybody thinking my life is just so damn perfect. Well you know what, its not. My life sucks beyond belief. If you took a walk in my shoes you'd see that I carry more pain than anybody could ever think of.

I have fantasies of the whole world just crashing and burning away. That way I wouldn't have to deal with this damn pain. I have a standard that I'm suppose to live up to right? I'm supposed to be what my parents have pictured in their mind, perfect.

Everybody at school thinks I'm weird. They don't know the real me. They only know what the rumor mill tells them. Yeah I spend a lot of time in the counselor's office or the principal's office. That doesn't mean anything other than I have a problem talking to other kids.

Louis and Twitty tell me all the time that I've got them if I ever need someone to talk to but how would they understand what's going on? How do I let them know what's really going on in my head?

But what really is going on in my little world? I'm suicidal and no one seems to notice. I've been cutting myself and no one even bothers to ask why I have dried blood and cuts on my arms. What is wrong with these people? I'm trying to reach out and all they care about is if I do my homework and get home on curfew.

I always thought that sixteen candles on a cake justified a shiny new car, but I'm thinking that my sixteen candles are going to represent an age I didn't live to see. I can't take this anymore. I give up. I quit.

I'm ending this pain and my whole life. I just can't do this. I don't need a reason or an excuse. There's just no reason for me to live anymore. Not when my whole world is constant drama and all I do is cry and cut myself. I'm screwed up, why continue to ruin everyone else's time on earth?

Goodbye cruel world…

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So who is this writing this journal entry? Can you figure it out? Think about, maybe post your opinion on the feedback about who it is and then read the next part TBC...  
---Jade Unicorn 


	2. Suffer

Author:Jade Unicorn  
Email:tenryuexcite.com  
Title:Suffer (part of the "Break of the Cycle" series)  
Rating:PG13 (mature people only please, this is some heavy stuff.)  
Disclaimer:The characters in here do not belong to me in any way possible. Cause if they did, well I'd be dating Tawny right now…. But they don't. They belong to Disney (lucky bastard)

READ THE NOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Note:Ok, this is about self-mutilation, self-injury, and cutting, whatever you want to call it. I myself am I recovering cutter. It's a very hard road to travel. If you or you know somebody who is dealing or has dealt with this, you'll understand where this is coming from. If you haven't, I suggest you never try this. It gets addicting quickly.

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She stood in her bathroom; door locked, back against the door, razorblade in hand, and tears running down her face. Did she really have the guts to do this to herself? Could she kill herself?

Raising the blade in her shaking hand, she headed for her wrist, but instead changed her path and sliced her upper left arm, just beneath where a shirtsleeve would cover. Small drops of blood came to the skin…she was never one for slicing deep. Just as quickly as the skin had been broken up, it began healing up again.

"Ren!" The sharp loud booming voice came quickly through the door. It snapped her back into reality as fear climbed through her. Her heart was pounding from the rush of cutting herself and from Donny's voice scaring her. "What is taking you so long? You've been in there for like…ever."

Standing up and sliding her clothes back into place. Ren turned the faucet on and began washing her face. "Just ten more seconds Donny. I'm hurrying." Thinking quickly, she grabbed a nearby towel held it to her face and she slung open the door. Ren moved past Donny swiftly so that he wouldn't have time to notice that the towel was covering the tear stained face.

Ren made it into her room and locked the door. She crashed down on the bed and began sobbing again. It was a never-ending cycle. The shame she felt for cutting herself in the first place made her cut again because she felt so bad about it to begin with. It was weird but that's how things went.

It had been months since the first time she had ever cut herself. That first cut was like opening a door to a drug house. She got a small taste and now here she was doing it more often and deeper as time went on. It eased her pain though. Cutting was her control.

While everything else in her life spun out of control, Ren knew that she could keep the pain in check by cutting. Everything inside that was emotional pain she could transfer into physical pain. She could make it something that she could actually heal and make better other than what was boiling over inside of her.

Sitting up in her bed, Ren looked at her new wounds. The vivid red marks shone brightly against her pale skin. A small sense of satisfaction curled up in her mind. It had worked. What was she upset about to begin with? Whatever it was, it didn't matter now. Now the pain was gone.

Maybe she didn't have the guts to kill herself after all. It was only a small part of her that wanted to die. If she tried hard enough she could suffer through this pain and eventually move away from all these people.

Ren walked up to her computer and switched it back on. She opened the file marked 'personal' and clicked on the document that read 'journal.' When the page opened up on her screen, Ren selected all the text there and pressed the 'delete' key. After erasing the entry she wrote… "Today was great. No complaints." Hit save and closed out the page.

Checking her watch she decided to go see a movie with her brother and his friends like he had asked her to earlier that day. After changing clothes, Ren headed out the door with a fake smile on her face.

She didn't have a problem did she? No, she was perfectly ok. No need to let anyone know any differently, they wouldn't understand anyways. She was alone in this and that's how it was going to stay.

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What do you think? Too corny, or is it really sounding pretty decent so far guys? TBC  
---Jade Unicorn


	3. Outside

Author:Jade Unicorn  
Email:tenryuexcite.com  
Title:Outside (part of the "Break of the Cycle" series) Rating:PG13 (mature people only please, this is some heavy stuff.) Disclaimer:The characters in here do not belong to me in any way possible. Cause if they did, well I'd be dating Tawny right now…. But they don't. They belong to Disney (lucky bastard)

Note:You all understand by now that this stuff is deep right? Hope so. By the way, the names of this series and the parts comes from that band Staind and their album "Break the Cycle" Gay themes come into play….ooh scary…..

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Why was she here? She didn't belong with this crowd. She never could fit in with Louis and his friends. So why was she making herself suffer through this? Because she didn't want to sit home alone. This way she could at least make an appearance in public and make it seem like everything was ok, whether it was or not.

Two hours of her life was wasted on a film that she didn't pay one ounce of attention to. There went fifteen dollars of hard earned money down the drain. Ren couldn't get the object of her affection out of her mind. The crush that had started all this turmoil just sat mere centimeters away from her now. The crush had no idea either.

When the movie was over, Ren was the first to leave. She stood outside with her arms crossed over her chest. The slight remains of winter blew by her causing her to shiver.

"Here, take my jacket." Tawny's soft voice came up slowly behind her, so as not to scare Ren. "I don't need it, I have on long sleeves." She held the jacket out in an offering manner.

Hesitantly Ren took the jacket and slid it on, revealing in the warmth. "Thank you." She whispered with a smile. Why was Tawny being so nice to her? The two hardly ever talked. But Ren enjoyed the company either way.

Ren turned her head to watch cars come and go picking up and dropping off more kids. Seeing all the happy people only reminded her of what depression lay dormant inside her.

Tawny could see a mix of emotions playing through Ren's face. Something was wrong that wasn't being said by the silence. The girl placed a comforting hand on Ren's shoulder. She gently squeezed and softly said, "Why don't I come over tonight so we can talk? You look like you need a friend."

Ren's shoulder began stinging with slight pain. Why was that? Oh yeah, she had fresh cuts there from that morning. Trying not to think of the pain Ren instead mulled over in her mind what Tawny had said. That would mean Tawny would be in her room, in her safe retreat, where she could find out about Ren's problems.

Ren nodded. She gave a smile that betrayed more than just normal happiness. "I'd like that Tawny. I could really use a shoulder to lean on."

The smile intrigued Tawny, she was glad to see Ren smile a genuine smile for once.

"Hey Stevens!" A popular jock called out to Ren. He waved his hand in a gesture that meant for her to come to him.

Confused but curious, Ren slowly made her way over to him and his friends. "Yeah." She said as she stopped.

"What's up with all the cuts on your arms?" He motioned his head toward her arms that were still folded over her chest. "You get lost in a book and couldn't find your way out." He gave a hearty laugh and earned a high five from one of his buddies. The joke wasn't funny to Ren.

"Jerk!" Tawny came to Ren's rescue. She wrapped one arm around Ren's waist as if to protect her from any further torment. "Why don't you go get lost on a football field you ass hole."

"Oh look, Ren's little girlfriend is trying to protect her." A blonde cheerleader said with a sneer. "Cute little dykes aren't they?" The crowd gave a laugh that could still be heard as Ren and Tawny walked away.

"Don't listen to them Ren." Tawny's arm was still wrapped around Ren's waist. That's all that could run through Ren's mind was that Tawny was holding her close.

"I just want to go home." Hot tears began rolling down her face. She kept her head hung low, hoping that Tawny would watch their path and keep Ren from running into anything.

"Hey! Tawny! Ren! Where you guys going?" Louis called out as he came running up to them.

"Home." Tawny said, never looking at him.

"Is everything ok?"

Never breaking her stride, Tawny simply said, "We'll see you guys later. This is a girl's only kind of thing."

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So? Good, bad, ugly? What do you think? I'm going places with this story...hopefully you'll like where it's going.  
---Jade Unicorn 


	4. Damn

Author: Jade Unicorn  
Email: Title: Damn (part of the "Break of the Cycle" series)

AN: The name came from a Leann Rimes song "damn" from the "twisted angel" CD.

Ren sat on the edge of her bed crying still. Tawny pulled up a chair to sit in front of the girl. Carefully Tawny took Ren's hands within her own as if Ren were going to break apart from a rough touch.

"You can act like I don't know about the cutting if it makes you feel better." Tawny said sympathetically. "But you and I both know that I've known for a long time Ren."

Her head darted up quickly as her heart began to race, "How?" Was all she could force out of her mouth.

"I'm not stupid Ren. Look at your arms. I can see the cuts from a mile away. I know. I've been there myself." She proceeded to raise up her left sleeve enough to bare her wrist. At first Ren squinted, trying to see whatever it was that Tawny could see. "There." She ran her finger tip down a faint line that trailed off beneath her sleeve. "I even tried to killed myself. That's how bad the cutting had gotten to be."

"Oh my god." Ren shuddered. Was this the path she was heading down? She had already tried to commit suicide but failed because there was a piece of her shattered heart that wasn't ready to die.

"Just tell me why _you_ of all people feel like you need to do this to yourself?"

"What does that mean?" Her voice became slightly offended at what Tawny might have been implying about her life.

"I mean, you're a perfect student, a perfect sister, and a perfect friend."

'Perfect' kept rolling over in her head until she exploded. "I'm not fucking perfect!" She quickly stood up and turned away from Tawny's pleading eyes. "If I was perfect I wouldn't have these problems."

"What problems?" She gently questioned afraid of what else might set the tense girl off.

"I'm tired of trying to hold this perfection level up. I am not happy. Why doesn't anyone see that?" She began to pace at the end of her bed.

"I see that Ren. Why else would I be worried about you all the time?" She scoffed. "Do you really think that I enjoy hanging around Louis and Twitty all the damn time? Why in the hell do you think I tolerate them?"

Her eyes were filled with confusion as she stared at Tawny who was looking at the floor. Tawny stood up and pushed the chair away with slight force. Ren was now kind of scared. She had never seen Tawny like this before. The once passive girl was now becoming agitated and aggressive.

"I know what you think about me." Tawny stated simply. "And I think the same thing about you."

"W-what a-a-are you t-talk-talking about?" Ren stuttered out fearfully. Did she know her other secret? The secret beyond the cutting? Could she possibly have a clue that Ren was falling for her fast?

"You know me better than anyone else in this world." Tawny took a step forward and grabbed Ren's hands between her own. She took a deep breath and leaned forward and placed a simple kiss on Ren's neck. "Sometimes I hate the way you know me. How you know what to do with me when no one else does. You touch my hand and I have to force myself to breathe. Then I start to sweat." She placed a kiss on the exposed skin of Ren's chest and worked her way up until she was at Ren's ear. "It scares me to death." She whispered.

Ren wrapped her arms around the girl's tiny frame pulling her closer into an embrace. "I've been fighting this for so long." Ren whispered. "And this whole time I didn't know that I was losing. You can see right through me no matter how hard I try. I want to give in."

They kissed chastely. Neither girl wanted to push the limits of the other one. Both girls feared that this moment would end if they pushed it too much. Slowly they moved to the bed and sat down. Ren stared into Tawny's eyes, pushing a lock of hair out of her way. Tawny bowed her head slightly to show that she was still scared.

"Can I see?" Tawny nodded towards Ren's arms. She wanted to see the damage this girl was doing to herself.

Carefully Ren raised her sleeve to expose all the tiny cuts. Some were deeper than others. While some were on the path to being fully healed, some were brand new with dried blood covering a growing scab. Softly, so as not to hurt her, Tawny ran her finger tips across them, feeling how rough the skin was. Ren closed her eyes half reeling in Tawny's soft touch and the other half in shame.

Just a small tear began to fall down Ren's face; Tawny caught it and kissed it away. "No more baby. Please?" She was genuine in her emotions. The honesty was something Ren appreciated. "Please?" She begged once more.

Ren nodded apprehensively. "It's going to be so hard though." Just the thought of having to give up her way of coping with emotions made her wants to run and hide again.

"Baby…"Tawny whispered like it was something she had been calling Ren all her life. "I'll be here to help you whenever you need me to. I'll hold you at night and kiss away your fears. I'll love you so much that you won't have to cut if you'll just let me."

The tears couldn't be stopped now as Ren began to sob. Ren began to shake slightly as her walls were coming tumbling down. She kissed Tawny forcefully, showing all the love she had been holding back all this time.

"I love you Tawny." She said for the first time.

"I love you too Ren."

They both crawled up to head of the bed and laid down to rest in each other's arms. Relaxing and unwinding, Ren's mind was racing with all that had just happened. And just before falling asleep, Ren tightened her grip on Tawny's body quietly saying, "Damn you. I can't believe you knew all this time."

Both girls drifted off into a much needed rest.


	5. Breaking The Habit

Author: Jade Unicorn  
Email: Title: Breaking the Habit (part of the "Break of the Cycle" series)  
AN:The title is from Linkin Park's song 'breaking the habit' from the album 'meteroa'

She tossed fitfully in her sleep. Sweat rolled down the sides of her forehead as the nightmare progressed. Ren whimpered in her sleep as fear consumed her. She could feel it running through her veins. As she sat up in the bed she realized that it was still slightly daylight outside.

Tawny lightly touched Ren's arm causing the girl to jump slightly. "Honey, are you ok?"

Still it stunned Ren to hear Tawny speak to her so lovingly. She never would have thought that they would be in this place right now. A while back Ren was lying in a bathroom floor crying and cutting her arms…and look at where they were now.

"Honey….?" Tawny prodded again.

Ren leaned forward and placed one hand on her forehead feeling the warmth. Her mind was reeling with thoughts and images from the nightmare. What had it been about? Oh, yeah, the cutting. She had been wanting to again. It's all she dreamed about. It consumed her every thought. "Yes baby." She managed to whisper out.

"You're dreaming about it again aren't you?" Tawny wrapped her arms around Ren's body and lightly kissed her neck. "I love you baby doll." She gave a soft squeeze to Ren to assure her that Tawny meant what she said.

"It's just so damn hard." Ren threw the covers off of her and stood up. She glanced over at the clock, 7:42 a.m. Why was she up this early on a Sunday morning? Why couldn't she have a nightmare later on into the day?

Tawny sat propped up on her hands watching Ren intently. Her head was tilted to the right as she watched Ren pace about the room. Feeling the eyes watching her, Ren stopped and crossed her arms over her chest. "Yes?" She asked.

Tawny shrugged and shook her head. All the while thinking, _damn she is so beautiful. Why didn't I give in sooner?_

Ren's mind drifted off as she began to trace the steps that got them to this place today. It seemed like yesterday was the first day Ren admitted her feelings for Tawny. Like it was yesterday that Ren vowed to stop cutting. But it wasn't. It had been over three months. Ren had been cut free for almost four months now. Still the nightmares consumed her.

"What are you thinking about?" Tawny questioned.

Ren started climbing onto the bed and crawling up Tawny. As Tawny was lying back, Ren was crawling on top of her. There she hovered with a sweet smile plastered on her face. "You." was all she said.

She captured Tawny's lips and began to show her love and devotion to the girl beneath her. It was going to be hard to break the habit of cutting. But Ren knew she could do it as long as she had Tawny by her side to fight the battle. She knew everything would be ok now that she had this wonderful girl.

"I love you Tawny Dean." Ren said with misty eyes. "You're my everything. I want to have you in my life forever."

"You will baby. Always." Tawny kissed her once more…

The End guys. I'm putting a close to this fic once and for all. One down….twenty more to go.


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